K,

prelude, talk about how G is doing well

I am writing this letter to let you know that, at some point, I intend to tell G that he is adopted. Not today, not tomorrow, not next month, but eventually. I see no other alternative. There is going to come a time when it will only be G and myself left, and at that time, I have no intention of participating in a family secret that I never believed in. To do otherwise would be, for myself, a dishonest act. It is against my sense of morality - I believe G is owed the truth for a variety of reasons, which I will touch upon.

I am also writing this letter to present my case, the best options I see, and a plan for executing this in a sensitive and responsible manner. This topic is one that cannot be taken lightly, and one I have no intention of bringing up thoughtlessly or frivolously. I also leave a portion of the timeline in your hands.

I also know that mentioning this is profoundly destabilizing topic - not just for you, but for all parties involved. I, too, am complicit in this secret, and though it may not be my "responsibility" to bring it up, it isn't fair to anyone, especially myself, to maintain it. When nobody is left to enforce it aside from myself, I intend to bring it up - I do not want it to come to that. I am sensitive to the fact that this topic entails a great deal of risk, notably for you. I have no desire whatsoever to burn bridges, and I suspect that this secret was borne from several competing fears and missed "best" opportunities over the years. Further, I don't think that the secret was intended to be malicious or harmful - a fact that I feel certain G will understand. You are a wonderful mother that G thinks the world of, and that will not change. That he is adopted does not alter that calculus, even if he provokes feelings of confusion or doubt.

I would imagine that your first reaction to this is dread of the possibility of losing G. I have no reason to believe that this is the case. G has remarkable emotional intelligence and has shown himself to be resilient and resourceful. The life that he has built for himself in Portland, although nascent, is one that he fashioned.

Why now? 

It is risky, but doing nothing at all is, frankly, much riskier. We're not in a world where secrets can be kept from late-discovery adoptees any more.

I have done extensive research on this topic using scholarly articles and in speaking with colleagues who have had similar life experiences. Among all late-discovery adoptees, it is consistent that they are ultimately glad that they know.